Have a merry, Trumpy Christmas! Yes, readers, for three years I’ve made fun of Donald Trump, the Grinch Who Stole the United States Government. Why? Because I want Jay’s blog to be better than the average boring wellness article.
Jay’s Blog readers reject pablum written for third-graders and MAGA hat wearers. You folks expect occasional, lines that pop up unexpectedly, such as this one: You can look at Trump’s body but not for long, it’s more painful than looking at the sun. (Trump lies about his weight and his BMI).
A Trumpy Christmas
Obviously. no one wants to diet or to begin an exercise program in mid-December, so instead of writing a post none of you will want to read, I’m publishing a list of my favorite lines about SCOTUS – the So-Called president Of The United States. (Note that the dates below are also links to the original article.)
Please pass this post on to your friends – we need new readers.
Nov. 26, 2018
- An intact kernel (berry) of wheat has three parts: bran, germ, and endosperm. Pure whole wheat flour uses all three. White flour is pure endosperm and no, Pure Endosperm is not the name of the latest porn star suing Donald Trump.
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Unfortunately, whole grain flour is roughly as pure and unadulterated as Harvey Weinstein. (FYI, Harvey is pure endosperm. He and Donald are welcome to each other.)
October 30, 2018
- Many probiotic supplements promise that their magic ingredients will help you shed pounds, but those are bulltrump claims – lies that have no supporting evidence.
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Our hunter-gatherer cousins living in Africa and the Amazonian Basin have more sophisticated diets than we do, and they have more sophisticated bowels. Apparently, when Trump called some countries ‘shitholes’, he was right. He just didn’t realize that he was complimenting them. If he really wanted to insult them, he would have called them ‘trumpholes’.
September 17, 2018
Participants had to provide blood samples and complete diet diaries before and during the ten-week intervention, and then complete a feedback questionnaire immediately after the study ended. (Note that self-administered questionnaires about eating are even less factual than a tweet from Donald Trump, but they aren’t blatantly false, like a picture of Melania holding Donald’s hand.)
July 17, 2018
Note: if we all used the simple substitution below, our language would be cleaner and more colorful. And funnier.
- The Internet is riddled with inaccurate, unscientific claims that specific exercises will burn a specific number of calories. Those claims are reeking piles of dogtrump. Don’t step in them.
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From The New York Times: “The NIH waged a vigorous campaign to court the alcohol industry. What horsetrump. The scientists were asking for $100 million dollars. That isn’t soliciting money for a study; that is soliciting a bribe.
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The ‘study’ proved that lean protein from pork can reduce blood pressure as effectively as lean protein from chicken or fish. It was funded by The National Pork Board, which is all we need to know. Another industry-funded study, another pile of pigtrump.
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Look for conflicts of interests. Click the link to the original research paper and try to see who financed it before you accept it. Do this and you’ll avoid a lot of chickentrump studies.
July 3, 2018
Fructose is sweeter than other sugars, but it is useless, unnecessary, and potentially dangerous to your health. It is the Eric Trump of sweeteners.
June 4, 2018
It’s like going to a Thanksgiving dinner where half the family loves President Trump and the other half hates him, and the toxic fumes blister the poor turkey until the stuffing explodes.
January 9, 2017
- Almond milk, soy milk, and other assorted milks-squeezed-from-vegetables-that-are-definitely-not-mammals have become so popular that they have hurt the sales of cow’s milk. If almond milk could be made by squeezing almonds, Donald Trump would have spent his entire fortune searching for tiny almond nipples.
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Almond milk tastes like something that not even Donald Trump would drink, and he would have been the best-fed member of The Donner Party.
September 6, 2016
Alas, none of the studies of unhealthy gut bacteria explain why Hillary Clinton makes our stomachs feel queasy or why Trump gives us explosive diarrhea. (Yes, ‘explosive diarrhea’ is a real thing. Don’t Google it.)
May 23, 2016
Chalupas are classic Taco Bell junk food: delicious, with no redeeming value. Please choose your favorite insult.
- Chalupas! Easier to swallow than a Hilary Clinton stump speech!
- Chalupas! Health food for Trump Voters!
March 20, 2016
If you consult with an expert who tries to give you weight loss pills or who puts every patient on the identical diet, your expert is a charlatan. Run away as fast as you can. Run as if you’re Hilary Clinton and you’re trapped inside a rally for Donald Trump. Run as if Ted Cruz is trying to hook up with you on Tinder. Run…
Oct 17, 2015
‘Cleansing’ is a surprisingly popular fad. Surprising, because the point of a cleanse is to give yourself diarrhea and eliminate imaginary ‘toxins’ from your liver and intestines, not to do something useful, like cleansing Fox of all traces of Donald Trump.
August 17, 2016
In November, The United States will choose a new president. Voters will be forced to choose between a woman who needs a priest and a man who needs an exorcist.
And My Two Favorites
I’ll close with the lines I wrote for two Latinas I adore, Pauletitta and Jessica.
- When I correspond with Latinos, I call Trump ‘ El Trompudo’, which roughly translates to ‘The man with thick, blubbery lips’.
- I view Trump as a bloated blimp filled with hydrogen sulfide. Once you begin to think of the President as a giant bag of farts, it’s hard to stop.
Trump is a giant bag of farts. It’s a perfect image for a Trumpy Christmas and a better New Year. Please remember to pass this on to your friends. You can’t go wrong; if they hate it, they will be angry at me.
from Weight Loss Insider https://ift.tt/2Eozop2
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